Sunday 27th May 2018

We’re all coming down with the cold that Steve’s been poorly with, so today has been a very very slow day. It’s been cooler and slightly overcast as well, but still just the right temperature to comfortably wear shorts and teeshirt outside! Eventually Steve and I got dressed (and so did Erika – I decided on a whim to put her in her party dress that my friend Karen made, and she was surprisingly okay with it!) and went out for a wander around the garden together.

The trees are incredible. We decided we ought to get some spray cans and mark the obviously dead trees now, so that when everything loses its greenery again in autumn and winter we know which ones need to be felled. Nice idea in principle but requires full trousers and boots and long sleeves and for it not to be too hot!

Steve suggested we reassemble the swingseat that came across with Mikey and his van back in February (or January?) and we found the perfect spot down at the far end in a little enclave, with paths lined with elderflower and yellow gorse leading to secret gardens coming off it.

The kids love it already. The Gentle Swing.

Then they dug a moat and a mountain in the pétanque (which I think needs digging out, and replacing with a delivery of actual play sand while we have young children – maybe once they are older and have some desire for afternoon tea on the lawn followed by boules we can think about retiring it as a sandpit!) and climbed on the climbing frame and swung on the swing and ran in circles until we heard a distant rumble of thunder and decided to head indoors again.

I realised I don’t enjoy the stress of getting multiple elements of a meal all ready at the same time when I’m already overwhelmed, so we had two rounds of yorkshire puddings (that I made the batter for last night before bed) with chocolate spread, and later on I made chocolate microwave cake with Erika’s help, peeled potatoes for mash, and stirfried a bag of frozen vegetables – I’m amazed that I was able to concentrate on all three things at once like that, especially with Erika sat on the worktop keeping me company! I’m grateful that Steve took over cooking though, and we had very happy food babies this evening 😂

Today has had yet more brain-revelations though. Someone shared a link to this incredible post which talks about autism burnout. Not something that gets talked about much, apparently, until you start talking to other autists. (Trigger warning, suicide is mentioned.)

When I read it, I recognised immediately the pattern of peaks and troughs and the frequent burnouts that happen and have happened, and the severe burnouts that have occurred too, the latest of which took me out for months after we moved to Denmark. I think that moving to this place in the countryside has finally given me the freedom to drop a lot of the mask even though I didn’t realise that was what I have been doing, but it’s helping me to finally recover from that burnout.

So. I’ve been pretty wobbly this afternoon and evening, and grateful in a way for poorliness and a daughter who is determined to drop her daytime nap, because it meant I had actual time to breathe by myself after everyone else was asleep. I have done some sewing, I took the panel off the back of the skirt which has been bothering me and have started refashioning it in a way that hopefully won’t bother me any more. I may yet be able to wear it before summer is out!

Previous posts on realising I’m autistic (aspergers):

Saturday 26th May 2018

Different, Not Defective: Unravelling

Different, Not Defective

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