Wow. This unravelling is more painful than I thought it would be. The euphoria of “oh my goodness I’m not just an awkward sod” wore off pretty quick and today I’ve been feeling more sad as a different set of memories have started to surface. Mainly, regarding choices. Where I was unable to see beyond me, and therefore didn’t really see what choice was available, and, finding it hard to communicate what I was interested in I ended up with things that didn’t really fit. Or being unable to see the point in something, unable to see beyond me, and giving up or struggling to continue or not showing up because I couldn’t see why until it was explained to me – by which time it was too late. Being unable to see beyond me until somebody actively pointed out what I ought to be able to see – and the manner in which this was conveyed set the tone for the future – either I felt a failure and needed to over-compensate for whatever it was, or I was enabled to look for that particular set of things beyond me.
The raft of memories surfacing is just unstoppable. And I hope, that by applying what I understand about me now to those memories, despite how painful they are or how sad I feel about them I can have grace for myself for those situations, and let them finally go.
All that said, for the first time yesterday I did not feel guilty for not putting on a “sociable chatty” mask when a work colleague stopped by for a beer with Steve. Previously I would have either tried to be sociable and been a hermit for days afterwards, or felt guilty for self-preservation if I chose to not be “sociable”, but yesterday I kept myself to myself as I I usually do and did not feel any need to apologise for who I was. I like people, just on my own terms 😉
In blog terms, I have a bunch of daily notes scribbled down but no actual writing for the past few days so I’ll put pictures up and hope they jog my memory. I’m full up of things I want to do, and at the moment writing is one of those things that I wish I could dictate straight from my brain (bypassing speech) but without the faff of typing or writing! I want to record life, but I also want to be doing this “life” thing. But I also love sharing the stuff I do… ahh it’ll straighten itself out eventually, I’ll find a new rhythm sooner or later.